flashback

Not going to talk about today, I hope Alex did in his blog. No, I'm going to do a quick flashback for you because that is what ran through my mind today.

Thanksgiving Break 2003

The Yankees had lost to the Marlins less than a month before. I was semi sulking about still when I left to go home a few days ahead of schedule. The ALCS against the Red Sox was a roller coaster and the way it ended was so perfect, it made the World Series loss a little easier.
Baseball was on my mind the whole drive back to Long Island because I was going to surprise my grandfather with a visit. He was living in an Assisted Living House and not in the best of health. I had not seen him since September and was looking forward to surprising him with a visit. He was the reason I was such a big Yankee fan.
When I got to the Home he was watching TV with his feet up. He was so surprised to see me he gave me a big hug and kiss. It was great to see him and I kissed the top of his head and he still smelled like vanilla and old spice just like I remembered. It was almost dinner time and he wasked me to stay, of course I would.
He asked a nurse if we could eat in the game room and it was arranged. When I asked why he didnt take his meals in the cafeteria he said he didnt want to make friends...they would probably die within the week.
We talked about school, about family members, but the Yankees dominated baseball. "You know Johnny, I have a feeling were gunna get A-Rod." He said it in November 2003.

If I knew that was the last time we would talk alone I never would have left that room. I wouldnt have gone back to school, just stayed there and wheeled him around as he would introduce me to nurses and orderlies. Or played cards with him or watch the game. But, I didnt know and kissed him goodbye, breathing in his vanilla smell. I would see him again, with the fam but I would never be alone with him and talk ever again.

2004

He died on February 6, 2004. When we got photos developed of pictures we took that summer with him he lookes so frail and so sick. I didnt see it then, I just saw him like I always did. White v-neck shirt, boxer shorts, and those piano legs of his.

2004 would be the hardest year of my life. That was the first baseball season without Pa. The first time I couldnt watch a game with him, or call him afterwards for his take on the game. When the playoffs began I was confident. My grandfather was in heaven and the Yankees were going to win. If this seems immature or unfathomable to you, take a minute and look at it this way. God took what I loved the most from me, everything I knew and valued told me that this was for the better. Why would I be put through more pain than I already had?

Up 3 games I felt like my grandfather was up there smiling. Then Game 4 and Game 5. Sitting there watching my little world turn upside down, everything I had taken for granted was about to be gone. Finally I told myself that God was not going to have me watch this disaster, that it would turn out ok. Well, we all know how it ended.

When the end came I was more in shock than anything else. It was numbing, and I had dreamless sleep for about 2 nights. No cursing, no yelling, no venting, just going about my life.

2005

Catharsis came at a movie theater in Poughkeepsie. Watching Fever Pitch...yes the Jimmy Fallon movie. I cried like you would not imagine. I cried in the theater, when the lights went on, and the car ride back. Looking back, the point I cried at was cheesy at best, nothing special. Thats not why I cried. I missed Pa, I was sorry to be mad at him for going. I was mad at myself for being mad. At one point I cried because it felt good to be able to miss someone so much that it still hurts long after they leave.

So here I am now, two years later doing this walk. Thats what went through my mind for most of today...I smiled though instead.